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What is it that I want? If I focus myself into the heart, what I find is that I want the joys of Christ. I want to sing the Pascal songs. I want to herald “Indeed, Christ is risen!” I want to smell the bread. See the candles. Feel the silence of prayer and prostration.

But I don’t want to suffer. I will say I want the cross. I will tell others that I understand that Golgatha is the only path. Yet at the first sign of pain. Being forgotten. The squeezing of my chest. The shortness of breath. I want out. I want to find the door and run.

But I stay here. In my chair. I see the world moving outside. But here I sit. And I drink Your cup. My cup. The only cup that will break me. And make me into Your image.

Lord. I give up.