orthodoxgladness:

He who wishes to be saved suffers sorrow; and he who deviates from the way of salvation does not avoid sorrows either. Therefore, it is better to endure the sorrows of God for the sake of your salvation and for the atonement of your sins, than to suffer senselessly, not knowing why. – St. Ambrose of Optina

I deeply desired to avoid pain. The pain of being forgotten. The pain of being left behind. The pain of being found unworthy.

To arrest suffering I became the instigator of suffering. I hurt people. I crushed them. I scolded them and discarded them. I was destined to triumph over my own suffering.

Yet I was too slow. Lacking in enough agility. To outrun and out maneuver my enemy. Pain caught me. Suffering overwhelmed me. And I was suffocated in the quagmire of my own sin.

Every eye was on me. Every finger pointing. The judgement was true: Guilty.

And how could I argue? I abandoned God with full knowledge to chase after my lusts. To cover my pain. To hide from my suffering.

I am fully to blame.